If you’ve ever tried to tell a teenager what to do, then you know the word contumacious (stubbornly disobedient) isn’t just for courtroom dramas. Around here, it describes Tuesday mornings before school.

I have two kids — let’s call them T and H. T is my mini-me: witty, a little goofy, and eager to please. Quick to anger but quicker to forgive. If I say, “Hey, can you grab the milk?” he’s already halfway to the fridge, usually cracking a joke along the way. H, on the other hand, seems to believe the Bill of Rights was written exclusively to protect her freedom to ignore me.

She is willfully disobedient in a way that both terrifies me and secretly impresses me. If I tell her to wear a jacket, she’ll walk out in a tank top — arms crossed, shivering, but proudly independent. Somewhere deep down, I know this will serve her well in life. But right now? It’s like raising a tiny civil rights attorney who specializes in cross-examining my parenting choices.

The T and H Show

Raising these two is like watching a real-time lesson in human psychology.

T inherited my people-pleasing gene. He wants everyone happy, which is sweet… until he’s bending himself into a pretzel to keep the peace and short circuits. I see myself in him so clearly that sometimes it hurts. H couldn’t care less about people-pleasing. She knows how she feels and plants her flag firmly, no matter what the crowd says. I’m convinced that if Napoleon Hill (author of Think and Grow Rich) had met her, he would’ve written a whole chapter called “The Power of a Stubborn Daughter.”

Lessons from the Library

Books have been my lifeline as I navigate this parenting paradox.

📘 “We become what we think.” — Jay Shetty, Think Like a Monk

When T is worried about disappointing someone, I remind him (and myself) that our worth isn’t tied to constant approval. It’s what we think about ourselves that matters most.

📗 “Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” — Thich Nhat Hanh, The Art of Mindful Living

This is my mantra when H rolls her eyes so hard I fear she may sprain something. Her emotions — and mine — pass if I just breathe through the storm.

📕 “You can’t create a new future while holding on to the emotions of the past.” — Joe Dispenza, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself

This one I whisper to myself after yet another debate over household chores. Yesterday’s argument doesn’t have to shape today’s connection.

📙 “Who you are is defined by what you’re willing to struggle for.” — Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck*

Right now, I’m willing to struggle for mutual respect, for boundaries, and for the faint hope that one day my kids will say, “Thanks, Mom, for not letting me wear shorts in a blizzard.”

My Zenopause Takeaway

Parenting through perimenopause is not for the faint of heart. Some days I wonder if I’m raising kids or auditioning for a reality show called America’s Most Exhausted Mom.

But here’s what I know:

T’s kindness will carry him far. H’s strength will protect her in a world that often asks women to shrink.

And me? I’m learning to breathe, laugh, and find my balance between pleasing and parenting. Because at the end of the day, contumacious or not, they’re exactly the teachers I need.

P.S. If your kid has ever cross-examined you like a lawyer with a Red Bull, please tell me — I need to know I’m not alone.